The Guilt Trip: How to set healthy boundaries with your boss
Having good personal boundaries makes good professional relationships but it can be a struggle, especially with an emotionally manipulative boss. Not sure if your boss is emotionally manipulative? Just look out for the Guilt Trip.
Your childhood can usually influence the struggles in your adult life. If your boss’ tactics are similar to those your parents or caretakers used or still use, it’s easy to fallback to your coping and defence mechanisms like pleasing people, flying under the radar, being the class clown, or working way above and beyond. These are all attempts to survive an authority figure.
Note: Watch Renfield (2023) for the perfect example of a toxic boss-subordinate relationship!
Saying a flat ‘no’ to a boss like this can be challenging, but setting healthy boundaries is important for your well-being. Here are some steps you can take:
1. Start with self-awareness
If you don’t like the way you feel or react, be honest with yourself and admit it. Don’t sweep it under the carpet.
2. Define your boundaries
Reflect on which specific actions from your boss are causing you distress, so you can identify the specific boundaries you want to establish to protect. You might set boundaries around verbal abuse, excessive workload, or invasions of personal time.
3. Seek support
Reach out to trusted colleagues, mentors, or a supportive HR representative to gain different perspectives and suggestions to your situation.
4. Communicate effectively and respectfully
Once you’ve collected sufficient data points, clearly and respectfully express your boundaries to your boss in a professional manner, explaining what is acceptable and what isn't. Be open to discussing boundaries and find compromises when needed.
Tip: Try to use ‘I’ statements instead of ‘You’ statements. When you use ‘I’ you’re taking responsibility for your own well-being, while ‘You’ can come across as blaming and a personal attack on the listener. So instead of saying, “I don’t like it when you always criticise me in front of others”, try this instead: "I find it difficult to work effectively when I'm constantly criticised in front of others.”
5. It’s an ongoing process
Setting boundaries is an ongoing process, and it may take time to establish and maintain them. Be patient with yourself, and don't be afraid to reassess and adjust your boundaries as needed.
6. Consider alternative solutions
If toxic behaviour persists and affects your well-being despite your efforts to establish boundaries, you may need to consider other options. This could involve speaking to HR, seeking a transfer to another department or team, or exploring new job opportunities that provide a healthier work environment.
Remember, setting boundaries with a manipulative boss can be challenging, and there may be limitations to what you can achieve. However it’s important to prioritise your well-being by learning how to say no when your boss’ requests cross our boundaries. ●